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I Never Thought I’d Be Struggling With Self Confidence At 37.
When I left home at 18, I had a clear picture of where I did not want to be, ever again, and that was home. The situation at home was so untannable that when I left to study at university after high school, I had made up my mind to relocate for good.
Growing up at home was extreme to say the least. Being raised by a narcissistic parent has it’s ups and downs- mostly downs- which affect your mental health in serious ways.
The constant outrage that characterized the atmosphere at home had warped my mental stability to a point where I grew up psychologically disfigured. The constant criticism. for literally everything, brought me to the brink of schizophrenia. I was literally having conversation with myself for hours on end.
Leaving home after high school was the perfect opportunity to get out of survival home. Living at home felt like a burden on it’s own.
After living in a bigger and more vibrant city for at least 3 years, I realized i need to deal with myself- I was thoroughly unhappy. At the verge of breaking down, I decided to take a ‘year off’ living and find what on earth is bothering me.
When i left home, I put everything behind me thinking if i just pretend it never happened - for 18 years — I could move on without dealing with it.
The pain of dealing with it seemed worse that the pain of experiencing it.
So at 22, I began my sabbatical introspection, probing into possible causes of the severe depression that hung over me. My upbringing was always at the back of my mind through this period. It’s almost as if I did not want to admit how terrible it was.
I began the process of healing, where i finally had to admit that my life was awful. It was awful because it was made awful by someone who was supposed to make it wonderful.
Through therapy and various spiritual methods, I underwent deep psychological transformation and 10 years in, I thought surely I had done everything necessary to be completely healed.
Sure I had changed significantly, but every now and then, something else crept up and needed to be dealt with.
As a side note I’d like to express how daunting…
